March 17, 2014


You think by now that I would be used to this pattern. It's not like I haven't been through this before. Work will be busy, and I'll be contentedly trucking along - days full of spreadsheets and evenings full of YA novels. Maybe I'll be planning for something exciting, say a trip to Puerto Rico. Either way, I'm satisfied with my small, small life in this big, big world.

And then something happens. Usually my workload will diminish (my work is very cyclical, and the middle of a non-quarter end month is our slow time), and I get bored. Sometimes, I'll read an article or book about a person that achieved greatness. Or maybe I just spend too much time thinking. Either way, I start to get itchy.

I want to do something new. I want to move. I want change. I want to make a big splash. I feel like singing Belle's in The Beauty and the Beast: "there must be more to this provincial life!" Why am I not working my way towards being COO of a major tech company or towards working with the Secretary of State? Why don't I have my PhD? Why don't I have my master's? Why don't I have a job I'm passionate about? Is this really all there is to life? Work, chores, a smidge of fun, repeat? I want to do something grand. But what?

I know - it's all smoke and mirrors. I can't compare myself to others, and I can't build my happiness on external aspects of life. Sigh...don't mind me. This is just a combination of the never-ending winter blues and Monday ennui. In fact, I hate change. It's a running joke in my family how much I hate change (I was the only one to cry about my family moving Alabama to Massachusetts, even though I wasn't even living at home). Right now, it's easy for me to desire change in my comfortable life.

But really, is there more than this provincial life?

P.S. Spencer says that it's ridiculous to say my life is provincial when I live in New York City. I say, I have ennui. I can call my life whatever I want.

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  1. Yes. This. Every couple of months. Sigh.


    1. yup. same with me. this is why i can't ever "settle down" and buy a house. i love moving to new cities and exploring a new area, the culture, neighborhood, people, and eats!

  2. I totally know what you mean. I thought that once I was getting my master's degree I would feel like I was 'on track' to something, but it just brought on another level of feeling inadequate. "Look at all these people I'm studying with, they've already worked at amazing places, they've already been published, they're totally awesome and I'm just little ol' me." I guess what I'm trying to say is that my prediction is that those feelings of ennui and inadequacy never go away. We just have to learn to deal.